Unexpected inspiration

So, I haven't blogged in a while. Shame, shame, I know. I feel like August flew by, and now here we are, three days away from the birth of baby boy. And I just have this NEED to blog about my day.

Today was the open house for a new music school which opened up in Worcester, called the Worcester Academy of Music (how fitting). I have been hired to teach both clarinet lessons and early childhood/general music classes. Since we are a brand new establishment, we are in the process of building our client base, hence the open house. I have to admit that when I agreed to attend, I truly believed I would have had this baby by now (HA! Joke's on me!), and I was not really looking forward to it much, as I have been, well, just rather pregnant! I mustered up the best energy I could, and got there for 10am this morning.

I was scheduled to teach two sample early childhood music classes for today, and then be available with my clarinet for our instrument petting zoo. The first class I was scheduled to teach, 10:30-11am, had no attendees. I was bummed, but figured people would show for the 1-1:30 class, since 10:30am is early for a Saturday. Well, no one showed for my 1pm class either. This, coupled with the fact that there was not very high interest in my instrument, was bringing down my mood very fast.

However, there were things today that completely changed my whole frame of mind. First, I was surrounded all day by colleagues who have a complete passion for what they do. In one room, the percussion, saxophone, and trombone teachers could be heard having random jam sessions as they waited for prospective students to walk through. There were mini-concerts all day, given by faculty from the school, so I was able to hear all the wonderful talent that makes up this group of music colleagues. I found myself enjoying getting to know all of these people, as musicians but mostly as people. It's been a while since I have felt such great professional networking, and it was really uplifting.

There was something greater, though, that really brought the meaning of what I do to the forefront. And I am not just talking about being a musician. I am talking more about why I teach in general.

About half-way through the day, a gentleman walked into the school. He was extremely cordial, very interested in learning about our school and what we offer. He said he lives down the street (the area where the school is would be considered a more inner-city type area of Worcester), and since the schools have cut so much from the kids' curriculum, he worries that his children do not have enough to help them create, grow, and find who they are as people. He said he doesn't have a lot of money, despite working a lot, and he just cannot afford to have his kids participate in an array of after school activities. He said he takes time out of every day to take his children to the local park, but fears that this is getting old and boring. He wants to keep his kids off the streets, and offer them something better. Since our school is extremely close to his house, he feels this would be a great opportunity. I must say that this man told us all of this with not an ounce of "poor-me" attitude. He came across as someone who, instead of sitting around feeling sorry for himself and his family, is thankful for what he does have, albeit not very much. After speaking with us (myself and another teacher) for a while, we tell him to come back with his kids if possible, so they can have the opportunity to meet the teachers and see the instruments. After he leaves, we mention this conversation to our executive director.

About twenty minutes later, the same gentleman walks back into the school, this time with his three (EXTREMELY polite and adorable) children and wife. When they arrive, there is a mini-concert being given by our recorder teacher, and this family sat there the entire time and listened intently. When it was done, the man thanked her for such nice music and commented on how much he enjoyed it. After the concert, I see all three kids' eyes light up as they discover all the instruments, getting to play most of them and discovering how to make different sounds. As I am watching this, I notice our director has sought this man out, and is talking to him regarding registration. I do not know the outcome of their conversation, but what I do know is that when this family left, they were all smiling, the man was thanking us all and just extremely appreciative of our help. Oh, and the kids? Well, they were pretty much bouncing with excitement as they walked out the door.

So, why the entire narrative about this man and his family? Because, unbeknown to them, this family offered up some surprise inspiration for me. I've been lacking in the inspiration department, at least musically and educationally, as of late. After hearing this man's story, how he wants SO BAD to keep his kids off the streets and offer them something better, and he wants to do this by giving them music lessons....well, fellow music educators, isn't this the moment we all strive to be in? Where a parent recognizes the importance of the arts in shaping a child? Just the story of this father working his tail off to give his kids a better life is inspiring in and of itself. But, add the fact that he wants his kids to get that better life with the help of music...well, isn't that just the musical holy grail? I left that school today feeling, for the first time in a very long time, like what I do really does make a difference. Do you know what an awesome feeling that is? You see, this man was thanking me for helping him, when really, I should have thanked him for giving me back the enthusiasm and passion for what I do that has been so lackluster. You can't put a price on stuff like this.

Things I've learned in my first year of motherhood

As my daughter's first birthday quickly approaches, I have been trying to reflect on all of the lessons I have learned over this past year. I don't think I will be able to write them all down here (mostly because I don't remember them all right now!). Here is a list of some of the most important things.

1) Don't mess with a Mama Bear!

Any mother, or soon-to-be mother, will attest to this. Mess with my kids, prepare to die.

2) Trust your gut

Over this past year I have really learned how to listen to my "motherly instinct". When E was first born, I didn't think I would ever have it, but I really have learned how to be in tune with my gut feelings on many things, especially when it comes to matters concerning E.

3) Parenthood=unpredictability

This was (and still is) the HARDEST lesson for me to learn. I am a very Type A, "the schedule rules" person. Having a baby pretty much shatters that thinking to pieces. I'm still working on it.

4) There will be times when cutting a piece of clothing off is better than trying to save it.

5) There is no "perfect" mother or father.

As a self-proclaimed perfectionist, this one is a tough lesson for me. I find that I compare myself to other parents, especially other moms, all the time. This is honestly a waste of time, because what's right for one mom and baby may not be for another mom and baby, but I still find myself doing it. This is also something I am still working on. Check back in 18 years.

6) Sleep is overrated.

7) Kids adapt to change better than their parents.

This is so true for E. She has shown us over the past year that, overall, she's a pretty adaptable kid. She just accepts things the way they are and moves with the cheese, so to speak. I think there is a lesson in that for all of us.

8) She's a baby, not a robot.

If I had a dime for every time my husband has said this to me, I would be rich. Sometimes, I get so schedule-oriented that I forget she has off days like the rest of us.

9) One day at a time, because tomorrow could be completely different.

See number 8 if you're wondering how I handle this lesson!

10) Live in the moment. Life in kid years goes by way too fast!

Sometimes I am saddened by the fact that I will never get to have E at 2 months old, or 6 months old anymore. But at the same time I am excited for the years to come to watch her grow.

So, in a few days E will be past the threshold of her first year, and on to so many more developmental milestones than I can imagine. The other day I found myself looking through her photo album, and I got a little teary. Looking at her at 6 weeks old and thinking we can never get that back is sad. I try to remind myself of this every day, and am really working on trying to live in the moment with her. Soon, she will be a big sister (at 14 months old!) and it will be even more important for me to focus on the now. We'll see how it goes!

Pajamas vs. Heels

I am really grateful to have been raised by parents who taught me that as a woman I have so many opportunities in life outside of staying home. These beliefs led me to pursue a career in Music Education and obtain my Masters, and I don't regret it one single bit. But now that I have one child with another on the way, I am in a constant back-and-forth with myself about working vs. not working.

This is not to say that being a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) is not work. On the contrary. This is actually the hardest job I have ever had, but the most rewarding. I am thankful that I have been able to stay home with E for the past year, and have a husband who has been working his tail off to ensure that happens. However, the time has come for me (and him) to question whether I should try to look for something full-time and when that would be. I'm not going to lie; sometimes I crave finding a job outside the house and having that "working girl" mentality again. Being a SAHM can be very isolating at times, and if it weren't for my close-knit community of moms, I would probably have gone mad by now. However, while I crave the professional atmosphere, there is much enjoyment in being able to stay in my jammies and play with E in the mornings and not have to worry about putting on heels.

There is always the unfortunate fact that I stress all the time about money (among other things). While I am doing an extremely important job right now, truth be told it doesn't rake in the dough. My private lessons are something, but they aren't much, not enough to pay all the bills. But, how does one walk into a job interview 6 1/2 months pregnant and expect to be taken seriously? As much as I may want to look for a job right now, I'm not sure anyone would even consider hiring me. They would probably take one look at me and see a huge "maternity leave" sign flashing over my head.

The other question weighing heavy on my conscience is do I take another year off for the second child, since I did that for the first? And so begins the "second child syndrome"; trying to do everything for the second that you did for the first. But, sometimes I wonder if that's even possible. The circumstances with every child are different, and so I'm not sure that everything can be equivalent.

So, right now, I am going day-by-day, which if you know me, drives me absolutely bonkers. I don't have a plan, not even for next week. It's all gray area right now, and we all know how I feel about the color gray!

A sense of perspective

Baby boy has what is called "coarctation of the aorta". Basically, his aorta is narrowed in one section. We are being told right now that if it doesn't fix itself (meaning, if the measurements stay the same or worse) he will need surgery. I will go every 4-6 weeks to have measurements taken via ultrasound to determine if the surgery will need to be done at birth, or later. If there is a 30% chance or greater that it will need to be done at birth, we will need to deliver in Boston at Brigham & Women's hospital so that the baby can be as close as possible to Children's Hospital. We will have an amniocentesis done at about 35 weeks to find out if this is related to a genetic disorder (such as Down Syndrome) and will meet with a pediatric geneticist in order to educate ourselves about all the possible genetic syndromes it could be, since the doctors are also operating under the observation that the baby's nuchal fold (skin at the nape of the neck) is thicker than normal.

A lot to read? Ya, try being us the past 6 weeks. Here is a run-down of our life since April 4th:

-my brother was admitted to the ICU with a double lung infection and nearly died

-I was diagnosed with Placenta Previa.

-E was diagnosed with Hip Dysplasia, and uses a brace every day for sleeping

-We were sent to a pediatric neurosurgeon to asses the circumference of E's head and see if there were any issues (there aren't, thank God)

-At our follow-up appointment with the OB in the beginning of May, we found the Previa had cleared, but the baby's nuchal fold was measuring "thicker than normal".

-We were sent to Boston for an extensive ultrasound of the baby. There, we found there is an issue with not only his skin fold measuring large, but also his heart

-I went to the stomach doctor with right upper quadrant pain and am scheduled for an ultrasound next week

-Today we had an ultrasound of the baby's heart, where we found he has Coarctation of the Aorta

-E will be having an ultrasound of her heart to rule out any issues (we requested this, and the doctors agree)

To say our lives have been hectic the past month is an understatement. Some days I wake up thinking I must be living someone else's life. But, then I remind myself that it is important to always keep a sense of perspective. I always remind myself that things could always be worse. E's hip dysplasia could have been more serious, and the neurosurgeon appointment could have not gone as well. And, even though my husband and I are so scared, this heart condition that baby boy has really could be worse. And, perhaps the most important thing, is that hubby and I are not going through this alone. We have each other, but we also have our families and friends, all of whom have been pillars of support. And let's not forget the doctors. The Pediatrician called me tonight and spent close to a half hour talking to me about baby boy and what she will do in order to ensure the best care for him. She also told us we are doing a great job at being the best parents we can be. Doctors like that truly are priceless.

I think keeping a sense of perspective in times like this helps me to not completely lose it. If I keep remembering it could be so much worse, and remain thankful that it isn't, then I avoid the pity party that I sometimes want to give myself. It also helps me stay strong, for myself and for those around me. I am learning how to be an advocate for my children, a lesson that has proven to be invaluable. I have finally come to the point where I don't care how many times I have to ask or how much I have to push to get something done. As the pediatrician told me tonight, there is no such thing as overreacting when it comes to your children. I'd like to think she is right.

Day 30- Bitter sweet

Well, I did it, I am officially a couch-contained momma no longer. So, why is this bitter sweet? Because if it's not one thing, it's another.

I am ecstatic that the doctor was using words like "great" and "beautiful" to describe how things pertaining to the Previa looked today. It feels good to know that the sacrifices I have made this past month have really paid off. I am proud of myself and extremely thankful to those around me who have helped.

What I am not thrilled about is what happened after our ultrasound today. As soon as the doctor walked in the room, I knew. I could sense that something was a little off during the ultrasound, but I thought that perhaps I was just being a normal overly sensitive pregnant woman. So, I convinced myself it was just my wild hormones, until the doctor walked in and informed us that there was something in the ultrasound shots that worried her. She said it looks as though the skin at the nape of the baby's neck (the nuchal translucency) is thicker than normal. In a million years, I could never have imagined this. Apparently, this could mean nothing at all, or it could mean some type of tumor or even Down Syndrome. The problem is that she really can't give us a definitive answer, and I am not really sure we will get one. Nevertheless, she is sending us into Boston to have a more extensive ultrasound with a specialist. I am hoping it turns out to be nothing, but I keep wondering when our luck will run out. We were lucky that things have cleared up, we were lucky that we got pregnant again so soon, we are blessed to be having one of each. When does that luck run out, and the other shoe drop?

And, why is it that as soon as something like Down Syndrome or a tumor was mentioned, I immediately felt like my pregnancy is sub par to someone who has a baby with no abnormalities? Now, obviously we don't know that there is really anything wrong at all, but if you were me, would you not wonder and worry? I think I feel this way because I have a taste, after being temporarily "disabled" so to speak, of how the outside world treats people who are different. To be honest, I am scared. And I think the worst part of it all is waiting....waiting to get in to the specialist, waiting for answers that would hopefully put us at ease. My husband says that if we find out that there is a good possibility something is abnormal, that he doesn't want to have further testing, such as an amniocentesis, because it really wouldn't matter since we are having the baby no matter what. I do see his point, but part of me would really want to find out more if possible (despite the risks) so that at least we were mentally and emotionally prepared for what lies ahead.

Now, this could all be for naught. It could turn out that this is all just the doctor being overly cautious. And I pray that this is the case. I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined my pregnancy to be this unpredictable, and I realize this is quite an oxymoron. Perhaps I was spoiled with my first pregnancy, which was picture perfect. Sometimes I wonder if this is me "paying the piper" for the fact that I have been blessed with a beautiful daughter and am being blessed again with a son. There are so many thoughts going through my head right now that it is difficult to sort through. We are still trying to digest everything that has happened before today, and now it's as if we've eaten too much at the buffet. Way too much to break down and digest and sort through.

If there has been one good thing that has come out of all of this, it is the reaffirmation that my marriage is one that can withstand anything. I believe that over the past 30 days, my husband and I have learned how strong we are both as individuals and as a couple. If you never had to live the meaning of the "for worse" part of your marriage vows, then you are lucky, and I would never wish that upon you. But, those of you who have, know how it is much different to say it than to live it. Everyone's "for worse" is different, at different degrees, and it's all relative. In the short time that we have been married, I can say that this past month has been the first "for worse" we've endured. And I hope we never have to deal with anything worse. Actually, I think we are due for a "for better" one of these days.

Day 26- Taking it in stride

I always thought I would be a mom who always had her "stuff" together. You know, someone who never looks frazzled or stressed and who looks like she is handling it all in stride. Boy was I wrong. Most days, I just feel like a hot mess. And add to that if I actually attempt to go out with E (not in the past month, but before) and she has a meltdown, well, you can just about see a cloud of stress around me. I know some moms who seem to be totally anxiety-free and seem to handle every situation with grace. How do they do it? I sincerely cannot fathom this. And, I also can't understand what it is about motherhood that is so stressful. Is it wrong to say everything? Don't get me wrong, it's the best job in the world. But, I think there are so many judgements on what a "good" mother is, and a lot of us enter into it holding ourselves to other people's standards.

I had a conversation with a good friend of mine last night who had two kids herself. She says she doesn't pay attention to what the books say or what other people say and just does what she feels her kids need in the moment. This is such good advice! I think that should be at the forefront of all those books that tell you how to be good parents. I believe that a lot of these books strip away our natural instincts as moms (and dads) and make us feel we have no clue how to do this. And yes, there are many days I believe that I should probably have been required to pass a test before becoming a parent. My friend also said kids know way more about themselves than we, or any of those books do. Sometimes, being a parent is about letting your child lead you. For example, E is a really picky eater and has not been into eating solids (unlike some of her friends who are up to three meals a day). I was getting very overwhelmed about this, and then I took a step back. Within a week, she started taking less formula in the morning, and wanting more solids. So, I went with it. Now, even though she still likes her bottle, she is doing better eating solids. And, it came completely from her, not forced by me.

Sometimes I wonder if any other mom or dad feels like a hot mess, completely overwhelmed in parenthood. I do get caught up in the stress of things, but amazingly, E's precious smile can bring me to the place where it really matters. It's like she knows when I am completely overwhelmed about something, she will look at me and smile or laugh. Maybe she does know more than I think.

Days 20 & 21- our "hip" baby

Today, we saw the Chief of Pediatric Orthopedics at the University Hospital for E's hip dysplasia. Needless to say, I didn't write a blog yesterday because both hubby and I were completely overwhelmed and anxious last night. I'm not sure how much sleep we got either.

It turns out E's dysplasia is mild enough where she will only need to wear a brace at night and for naps for four months. Good, because she is not limited with her mobility during the day. We are (especially me) very anxious about how she will adjust to wearing it for sleeping. She does not like to be restrained at all, and I think it will make for some very sleepless nights for a little while. We will just have to keep reminding ourselves that it is for the best, and be thankful that God created caffeine. Now, we have to get through the pediatric neurosurgeon appointment on May 10th, and hope for the best with that.

So, I was "facebooking" with someone today who is going through an overwhelming situation in his life right now. He said something very interesting to me, he said "I guess we don't get to choose to be ready." What he was referring to was choosing to be ready to handle or deal with all that life throws at you unexpectedly. You know, he is totally right, because if I was given the time to choose to be ready to deal with everything life has dumped on my family, I would never be ready. I also believe that given all that we have been through lately, I think we have done a great job at handling it. You just learn how to shovel through the crap and live your life every day. It might be slower, it might be more difficult, but once you've shoveled it all, then it is so much easier. And the next time you hit a pile of crap, you've built up the muscles to deal with it. And yes, I am using crap as a symbolism here. I think it's fitting.