Day 30- Bitter sweet

Well, I did it, I am officially a couch-contained momma no longer. So, why is this bitter sweet? Because if it's not one thing, it's another.

I am ecstatic that the doctor was using words like "great" and "beautiful" to describe how things pertaining to the Previa looked today. It feels good to know that the sacrifices I have made this past month have really paid off. I am proud of myself and extremely thankful to those around me who have helped.

What I am not thrilled about is what happened after our ultrasound today. As soon as the doctor walked in the room, I knew. I could sense that something was a little off during the ultrasound, but I thought that perhaps I was just being a normal overly sensitive pregnant woman. So, I convinced myself it was just my wild hormones, until the doctor walked in and informed us that there was something in the ultrasound shots that worried her. She said it looks as though the skin at the nape of the baby's neck (the nuchal translucency) is thicker than normal. In a million years, I could never have imagined this. Apparently, this could mean nothing at all, or it could mean some type of tumor or even Down Syndrome. The problem is that she really can't give us a definitive answer, and I am not really sure we will get one. Nevertheless, she is sending us into Boston to have a more extensive ultrasound with a specialist. I am hoping it turns out to be nothing, but I keep wondering when our luck will run out. We were lucky that things have cleared up, we were lucky that we got pregnant again so soon, we are blessed to be having one of each. When does that luck run out, and the other shoe drop?

And, why is it that as soon as something like Down Syndrome or a tumor was mentioned, I immediately felt like my pregnancy is sub par to someone who has a baby with no abnormalities? Now, obviously we don't know that there is really anything wrong at all, but if you were me, would you not wonder and worry? I think I feel this way because I have a taste, after being temporarily "disabled" so to speak, of how the outside world treats people who are different. To be honest, I am scared. And I think the worst part of it all is waiting....waiting to get in to the specialist, waiting for answers that would hopefully put us at ease. My husband says that if we find out that there is a good possibility something is abnormal, that he doesn't want to have further testing, such as an amniocentesis, because it really wouldn't matter since we are having the baby no matter what. I do see his point, but part of me would really want to find out more if possible (despite the risks) so that at least we were mentally and emotionally prepared for what lies ahead.

Now, this could all be for naught. It could turn out that this is all just the doctor being overly cautious. And I pray that this is the case. I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined my pregnancy to be this unpredictable, and I realize this is quite an oxymoron. Perhaps I was spoiled with my first pregnancy, which was picture perfect. Sometimes I wonder if this is me "paying the piper" for the fact that I have been blessed with a beautiful daughter and am being blessed again with a son. There are so many thoughts going through my head right now that it is difficult to sort through. We are still trying to digest everything that has happened before today, and now it's as if we've eaten too much at the buffet. Way too much to break down and digest and sort through.

If there has been one good thing that has come out of all of this, it is the reaffirmation that my marriage is one that can withstand anything. I believe that over the past 30 days, my husband and I have learned how strong we are both as individuals and as a couple. If you never had to live the meaning of the "for worse" part of your marriage vows, then you are lucky, and I would never wish that upon you. But, those of you who have, know how it is much different to say it than to live it. Everyone's "for worse" is different, at different degrees, and it's all relative. In the short time that we have been married, I can say that this past month has been the first "for worse" we've endured. And I hope we never have to deal with anything worse. Actually, I think we are due for a "for better" one of these days.