Day 19- Queen of the "what ifs"

I have always been a "what if" type of person. A lot of this stems from my type A, control freak personality. Ask my mom and she will agree 110%. Growing up I can remember driving her crazy with all my what if scenarios. What if people at school don't like me? What if the hairdresser cuts my hair wrong? What if we get to the movies and they sold out? And so on, and so on. I always needed to know "what if" because then I could plan for the outcome. I am not a person who likes surprises. I like everything neat and tidy and all planned out. Anyone who has spent five minutes with me will attest to this. I am a planner, not a spur-of-the-moment person at all. Black and white please, no grey. Now, those of you who have entered into the world of parenthood are probably laughing hysterically right now, because you know the first thing I learned as a parent is that my new favorite color is grey. It's taken me a while to accept this (and I don't think I have totally accepted it yet) but I would like to hope I am doing better coping with it. When a person like me gets hit with massive grey area, it's like a natural disaster. I am someone who doesn't understand the "it's complicated" category for relationship status on Facebook. Honestly, what's so complicated? You either are in a relationship or you aren't. See how my brain works? Total black and white.

So, if there has ever been a time when I am hit with an enormous amount of what-ifs, it's now. Since last week all that has been going through my head is what-ifs about E's hip and head situations. And the thing that's driving me bonkers is that I have little control over any of it. Sometimes I stop and picture E in a harness or a cast, and I have to fight back tears. This is all rather silly, since we have yet to see the doctor. But, the planner, type A, what-if queen in me NEEDS to think ahead, and yes plan for the worse, so I know how I will deal with it, or what my next move will be. This drives my husband bonkers because he doesn't understand why I worry about things that haven't yet happened. And really, when you think about it, he has a point. Why do I waste the energy worrying about the outcome of something we haven't yet encountered? I can't answer that, all I can say is it's just the way I am, it's...me. I have always been the take action, do something person. For example, ask my friends from grad school. I bet you they would all tell you I was a complete nut case about organizing study sessions for our Oral Exams and making sure we all got to class on time. Sometimes I long to be that laid back, come what may person. I've tried to be that way, and it doesn't feel natural to me. So, I succumb to the part of worrier, doer, and master planner.

I think that being the "what-if" queen helps me feel like I am in control of things, even if I am not. And that helps me better deal with situations. So, if the needless worrying (as my hubby calls it) gives me a sense of control and black and white in a world of grey, is that so bad?