Day 12- Anxiety

Anxiety is a word that is all too common with me. I hate it, and I just want to let it all go, but by force of habit I suppose, I don't. I've always been a rather high strung person (no, me?), but I believe it got worse after E was born. I can't really pinpoint exactly why it got worse, but it did. Maybe it was the labor, or the sheer reality of being responsible for another human being, her well-being and safety. Anxiety is evil, and I will tell you why.

Anxiety makes me doubt myself all the time. This is most prevalent is my daily care of E. Is she on schedule? Has she eaten enough? Is she getting enough play and interaction? Have I done enough today to ensure her development? Does she know that when she cries in her crib and I don't always pick her up that I love her? Why is she crying? How do I fix it? What if I CAN'T fix it? This is just a SMALL portion of what goes on in my head every day. And if you think it's exhausting, you are right. I doubt myself and my abilities as a mom every day, and if an outsider were to look in, they would not understand why. Developmentally E is on target or even ahead of the game, she is healthy, gaining weight, and most of the time is a happy baby. But, on nights like tonight when she is fussing and crying and doesn't want to go to sleep, I worry that this will screw up her schedule and teach her bad habits. Exhausting work my brain goes through every day.

Anxiety also makes me worried that I am not being the best wife I could be. And this month of bed rest doesn't help (even though I had no control over that). I am a perfectionist and anyone who knows me well will attest to that, so I strive for perfection in everything. Even something small like tonight, when hubby stayed to help with a crying E instead of going out and getting some time with friends (that he desperately needs), makes me feel like I failed. If I was a stronger person with less anxiety about E crying and not sleeping, then maybe my husband could actually enjoy himself more. I try so hard, but sometimes I feel like I am running in quick sand.

Now, you should know that at no point in time is anyone making me doubt myself except for me. It's purely self-inflicted, which sometimes I think is worse. If there was someone actually saying these things to me, then I could make the choice to ignore them. But, I can't really make the choice to ignore myself. I wish I could get out of my own head, and let it all go. You'd think it would be easy, but actually it's one of the hardest things. I'm not used to having nothing to be anxious or worried about. The funny thing is, when I am playing and interacting with E, the anxiety is gone. I am totally tuned into her and enjoying every moment of it. I just need to find a way to take that and bring it into daily life.

So, you see how anxiety can have a snowball effect on everything. I just want the people I love to have the best; the best mom, the best wife, the best daughter, etc. Lately, I haven't felt the best of anything, except maybe the best at worrying. When I could actually do normal daily life activities, it was better. I could clean the house, do the laundry, make dinner, AND take care of E, and then I would feel like I was accomplishing things and was the wife my husband deserves and the mom my daughter deserves. Of course, I KNOW that the ability to do chores is not why hubby married me, but what husband doesn't appreciate a clean house, a full stomach and a happy baby when he gets home? So now, I can't do any of that, and I'm even limited in taking care of E, so I sometimes feel as though my self-worth is out the window. What CAN I do? I'm really good at sitting on the couch. I just need to remind myself that I AM growing a human, and maybe that trumps anything else.

So, I am going to try something this week to see if it works, and hubby is going to try something too. I am going to attempt to take 5 minutes every morning to meditate and breathe and work on my anxiety about the day ahead. Hubby is going to try to go to the gym 3 or 4 times a week and work off his stress right now (not as bad as mine, but still there). I'm looking forward to seeing if this helps me, and him. I'll report on it later, I'm sure!