Days 16, 17, 18- Overload

So, I haven't blogged in a couple days simply because things have been too overwhelming for me even to write. Usually writing helps me feel less overwhelmed, but there has been so much going through my head I haven't been able to sort through it all until now.

Thursday morning we took E for her 9 month check up. On a whim we mentioned that sometimes we hear her hips crack and pop, but it never seems to bother her. (Oddly enough, I would hear this happen when I was pregnant with her. After convincing myself I wasn't crazy, I mentioned it to my OB who said she had heard of it happening before, but that was something for the pediatrician to deal with.) The doctor ordered x-rays just to be safe, and it turns out she has some hip dysplasia. The pediatrician called the chief of pediatric orthopedics and got us in with her this coming week. Now, if that wasn't enough to take, the pedi is also worried about the size of E's head, and so we are also going to a pediatric neurosurgeon for her to be checked out. I'm not sure how to feel about this, since her development is on target and my husband's head is in the 98th percentile for size. I would like to not worry about it and say it's genetics, but honestly I didn't think her hip popping was a big deal, either.

So, there are a couple things that really infuriate me about this whole thing. From birth to about 5 months, we took E to our family physician because she said she took babies as patients. This doctor has had me as a patient since I was about 7 or 8, so it seemed like a good choice. At one of E's first visits, I mentioned the hip popping, and the doc said everything was fine. Also, she never measured E's head at any appointment, which is apparently standard practice, so the current pedi has nothing to chart her head growth with. This infuriates me the most, because if the family doc said she accepts babies as patients, then she should be up with the standard practices for infants.

So the thing with all this is I feel like a complete and total failure. Add the fact that my current pregnancy is having issues, and it makes me feel like the worst parent in the world. I keep thinking that I should have known the doctor was supposed to be taking head measurements at every visit. And, I should have pressed the issue with E's hips. I didn't know or do any of this, and so I feel completely at fault. And no, this isn't based on any good reasoning, it's completely unreasonable mom guilt. I know every mom reading this knows exactly what I am talking about. It starts the day your child is born and I don't think it ever goes away. I feel like I have already failed my daughter, and it's only been 9 months.

If there is one thing I have learned, especially in the past week, it is to listen to my instincts. I knew that E was not getting the proper care, so we switched doctors. I thought I should mention the hip popping, even though it may be nothing. It turns out it is something, and I am glad I said something. I wish there was an off button for all this mom guilt, though.