Unexpected inspiration

So, I haven't blogged in a while. Shame, shame, I know. I feel like August flew by, and now here we are, three days away from the birth of baby boy. And I just have this NEED to blog about my day.

Today was the open house for a new music school which opened up in Worcester, called the Worcester Academy of Music (how fitting). I have been hired to teach both clarinet lessons and early childhood/general music classes. Since we are a brand new establishment, we are in the process of building our client base, hence the open house. I have to admit that when I agreed to attend, I truly believed I would have had this baby by now (HA! Joke's on me!), and I was not really looking forward to it much, as I have been, well, just rather pregnant! I mustered up the best energy I could, and got there for 10am this morning.

I was scheduled to teach two sample early childhood music classes for today, and then be available with my clarinet for our instrument petting zoo. The first class I was scheduled to teach, 10:30-11am, had no attendees. I was bummed, but figured people would show for the 1-1:30 class, since 10:30am is early for a Saturday. Well, no one showed for my 1pm class either. This, coupled with the fact that there was not very high interest in my instrument, was bringing down my mood very fast.

However, there were things today that completely changed my whole frame of mind. First, I was surrounded all day by colleagues who have a complete passion for what they do. In one room, the percussion, saxophone, and trombone teachers could be heard having random jam sessions as they waited for prospective students to walk through. There were mini-concerts all day, given by faculty from the school, so I was able to hear all the wonderful talent that makes up this group of music colleagues. I found myself enjoying getting to know all of these people, as musicians but mostly as people. It's been a while since I have felt such great professional networking, and it was really uplifting.

There was something greater, though, that really brought the meaning of what I do to the forefront. And I am not just talking about being a musician. I am talking more about why I teach in general.

About half-way through the day, a gentleman walked into the school. He was extremely cordial, very interested in learning about our school and what we offer. He said he lives down the street (the area where the school is would be considered a more inner-city type area of Worcester), and since the schools have cut so much from the kids' curriculum, he worries that his children do not have enough to help them create, grow, and find who they are as people. He said he doesn't have a lot of money, despite working a lot, and he just cannot afford to have his kids participate in an array of after school activities. He said he takes time out of every day to take his children to the local park, but fears that this is getting old and boring. He wants to keep his kids off the streets, and offer them something better. Since our school is extremely close to his house, he feels this would be a great opportunity. I must say that this man told us all of this with not an ounce of "poor-me" attitude. He came across as someone who, instead of sitting around feeling sorry for himself and his family, is thankful for what he does have, albeit not very much. After speaking with us (myself and another teacher) for a while, we tell him to come back with his kids if possible, so they can have the opportunity to meet the teachers and see the instruments. After he leaves, we mention this conversation to our executive director.

About twenty minutes later, the same gentleman walks back into the school, this time with his three (EXTREMELY polite and adorable) children and wife. When they arrive, there is a mini-concert being given by our recorder teacher, and this family sat there the entire time and listened intently. When it was done, the man thanked her for such nice music and commented on how much he enjoyed it. After the concert, I see all three kids' eyes light up as they discover all the instruments, getting to play most of them and discovering how to make different sounds. As I am watching this, I notice our director has sought this man out, and is talking to him regarding registration. I do not know the outcome of their conversation, but what I do know is that when this family left, they were all smiling, the man was thanking us all and just extremely appreciative of our help. Oh, and the kids? Well, they were pretty much bouncing with excitement as they walked out the door.

So, why the entire narrative about this man and his family? Because, unbeknown to them, this family offered up some surprise inspiration for me. I've been lacking in the inspiration department, at least musically and educationally, as of late. After hearing this man's story, how he wants SO BAD to keep his kids off the streets and offer them something better, and he wants to do this by giving them music lessons....well, fellow music educators, isn't this the moment we all strive to be in? Where a parent recognizes the importance of the arts in shaping a child? Just the story of this father working his tail off to give his kids a better life is inspiring in and of itself. But, add the fact that he wants his kids to get that better life with the help of music...well, isn't that just the musical holy grail? I left that school today feeling, for the first time in a very long time, like what I do really does make a difference. Do you know what an awesome feeling that is? You see, this man was thanking me for helping him, when really, I should have thanked him for giving me back the enthusiasm and passion for what I do that has been so lackluster. You can't put a price on stuff like this.

Things I've learned in my first year of motherhood

As my daughter's first birthday quickly approaches, I have been trying to reflect on all of the lessons I have learned over this past year. I don't think I will be able to write them all down here (mostly because I don't remember them all right now!). Here is a list of some of the most important things.

1) Don't mess with a Mama Bear!

Any mother, or soon-to-be mother, will attest to this. Mess with my kids, prepare to die.

2) Trust your gut

Over this past year I have really learned how to listen to my "motherly instinct". When E was first born, I didn't think I would ever have it, but I really have learned how to be in tune with my gut feelings on many things, especially when it comes to matters concerning E.

3) Parenthood=unpredictability

This was (and still is) the HARDEST lesson for me to learn. I am a very Type A, "the schedule rules" person. Having a baby pretty much shatters that thinking to pieces. I'm still working on it.

4) There will be times when cutting a piece of clothing off is better than trying to save it.

5) There is no "perfect" mother or father.

As a self-proclaimed perfectionist, this one is a tough lesson for me. I find that I compare myself to other parents, especially other moms, all the time. This is honestly a waste of time, because what's right for one mom and baby may not be for another mom and baby, but I still find myself doing it. This is also something I am still working on. Check back in 18 years.

6) Sleep is overrated.

7) Kids adapt to change better than their parents.

This is so true for E. She has shown us over the past year that, overall, she's a pretty adaptable kid. She just accepts things the way they are and moves with the cheese, so to speak. I think there is a lesson in that for all of us.

8) She's a baby, not a robot.

If I had a dime for every time my husband has said this to me, I would be rich. Sometimes, I get so schedule-oriented that I forget she has off days like the rest of us.

9) One day at a time, because tomorrow could be completely different.

See number 8 if you're wondering how I handle this lesson!

10) Live in the moment. Life in kid years goes by way too fast!

Sometimes I am saddened by the fact that I will never get to have E at 2 months old, or 6 months old anymore. But at the same time I am excited for the years to come to watch her grow.

So, in a few days E will be past the threshold of her first year, and on to so many more developmental milestones than I can imagine. The other day I found myself looking through her photo album, and I got a little teary. Looking at her at 6 weeks old and thinking we can never get that back is sad. I try to remind myself of this every day, and am really working on trying to live in the moment with her. Soon, she will be a big sister (at 14 months old!) and it will be even more important for me to focus on the now. We'll see how it goes!

Pajamas vs. Heels

I am really grateful to have been raised by parents who taught me that as a woman I have so many opportunities in life outside of staying home. These beliefs led me to pursue a career in Music Education and obtain my Masters, and I don't regret it one single bit. But now that I have one child with another on the way, I am in a constant back-and-forth with myself about working vs. not working.

This is not to say that being a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) is not work. On the contrary. This is actually the hardest job I have ever had, but the most rewarding. I am thankful that I have been able to stay home with E for the past year, and have a husband who has been working his tail off to ensure that happens. However, the time has come for me (and him) to question whether I should try to look for something full-time and when that would be. I'm not going to lie; sometimes I crave finding a job outside the house and having that "working girl" mentality again. Being a SAHM can be very isolating at times, and if it weren't for my close-knit community of moms, I would probably have gone mad by now. However, while I crave the professional atmosphere, there is much enjoyment in being able to stay in my jammies and play with E in the mornings and not have to worry about putting on heels.

There is always the unfortunate fact that I stress all the time about money (among other things). While I am doing an extremely important job right now, truth be told it doesn't rake in the dough. My private lessons are something, but they aren't much, not enough to pay all the bills. But, how does one walk into a job interview 6 1/2 months pregnant and expect to be taken seriously? As much as I may want to look for a job right now, I'm not sure anyone would even consider hiring me. They would probably take one look at me and see a huge "maternity leave" sign flashing over my head.

The other question weighing heavy on my conscience is do I take another year off for the second child, since I did that for the first? And so begins the "second child syndrome"; trying to do everything for the second that you did for the first. But, sometimes I wonder if that's even possible. The circumstances with every child are different, and so I'm not sure that everything can be equivalent.

So, right now, I am going day-by-day, which if you know me, drives me absolutely bonkers. I don't have a plan, not even for next week. It's all gray area right now, and we all know how I feel about the color gray!

A sense of perspective

Baby boy has what is called "coarctation of the aorta". Basically, his aorta is narrowed in one section. We are being told right now that if it doesn't fix itself (meaning, if the measurements stay the same or worse) he will need surgery. I will go every 4-6 weeks to have measurements taken via ultrasound to determine if the surgery will need to be done at birth, or later. If there is a 30% chance or greater that it will need to be done at birth, we will need to deliver in Boston at Brigham & Women's hospital so that the baby can be as close as possible to Children's Hospital. We will have an amniocentesis done at about 35 weeks to find out if this is related to a genetic disorder (such as Down Syndrome) and will meet with a pediatric geneticist in order to educate ourselves about all the possible genetic syndromes it could be, since the doctors are also operating under the observation that the baby's nuchal fold (skin at the nape of the neck) is thicker than normal.

A lot to read? Ya, try being us the past 6 weeks. Here is a run-down of our life since April 4th:

-my brother was admitted to the ICU with a double lung infection and nearly died

-I was diagnosed with Placenta Previa.

-E was diagnosed with Hip Dysplasia, and uses a brace every day for sleeping

-We were sent to a pediatric neurosurgeon to asses the circumference of E's head and see if there were any issues (there aren't, thank God)

-At our follow-up appointment with the OB in the beginning of May, we found the Previa had cleared, but the baby's nuchal fold was measuring "thicker than normal".

-We were sent to Boston for an extensive ultrasound of the baby. There, we found there is an issue with not only his skin fold measuring large, but also his heart

-I went to the stomach doctor with right upper quadrant pain and am scheduled for an ultrasound next week

-Today we had an ultrasound of the baby's heart, where we found he has Coarctation of the Aorta

-E will be having an ultrasound of her heart to rule out any issues (we requested this, and the doctors agree)

To say our lives have been hectic the past month is an understatement. Some days I wake up thinking I must be living someone else's life. But, then I remind myself that it is important to always keep a sense of perspective. I always remind myself that things could always be worse. E's hip dysplasia could have been more serious, and the neurosurgeon appointment could have not gone as well. And, even though my husband and I are so scared, this heart condition that baby boy has really could be worse. And, perhaps the most important thing, is that hubby and I are not going through this alone. We have each other, but we also have our families and friends, all of whom have been pillars of support. And let's not forget the doctors. The Pediatrician called me tonight and spent close to a half hour talking to me about baby boy and what she will do in order to ensure the best care for him. She also told us we are doing a great job at being the best parents we can be. Doctors like that truly are priceless.

I think keeping a sense of perspective in times like this helps me to not completely lose it. If I keep remembering it could be so much worse, and remain thankful that it isn't, then I avoid the pity party that I sometimes want to give myself. It also helps me stay strong, for myself and for those around me. I am learning how to be an advocate for my children, a lesson that has proven to be invaluable. I have finally come to the point where I don't care how many times I have to ask or how much I have to push to get something done. As the pediatrician told me tonight, there is no such thing as overreacting when it comes to your children. I'd like to think she is right.

Day 30- Bitter sweet

Well, I did it, I am officially a couch-contained momma no longer. So, why is this bitter sweet? Because if it's not one thing, it's another.

I am ecstatic that the doctor was using words like "great" and "beautiful" to describe how things pertaining to the Previa looked today. It feels good to know that the sacrifices I have made this past month have really paid off. I am proud of myself and extremely thankful to those around me who have helped.

What I am not thrilled about is what happened after our ultrasound today. As soon as the doctor walked in the room, I knew. I could sense that something was a little off during the ultrasound, but I thought that perhaps I was just being a normal overly sensitive pregnant woman. So, I convinced myself it was just my wild hormones, until the doctor walked in and informed us that there was something in the ultrasound shots that worried her. She said it looks as though the skin at the nape of the baby's neck (the nuchal translucency) is thicker than normal. In a million years, I could never have imagined this. Apparently, this could mean nothing at all, or it could mean some type of tumor or even Down Syndrome. The problem is that she really can't give us a definitive answer, and I am not really sure we will get one. Nevertheless, she is sending us into Boston to have a more extensive ultrasound with a specialist. I am hoping it turns out to be nothing, but I keep wondering when our luck will run out. We were lucky that things have cleared up, we were lucky that we got pregnant again so soon, we are blessed to be having one of each. When does that luck run out, and the other shoe drop?

And, why is it that as soon as something like Down Syndrome or a tumor was mentioned, I immediately felt like my pregnancy is sub par to someone who has a baby with no abnormalities? Now, obviously we don't know that there is really anything wrong at all, but if you were me, would you not wonder and worry? I think I feel this way because I have a taste, after being temporarily "disabled" so to speak, of how the outside world treats people who are different. To be honest, I am scared. And I think the worst part of it all is waiting....waiting to get in to the specialist, waiting for answers that would hopefully put us at ease. My husband says that if we find out that there is a good possibility something is abnormal, that he doesn't want to have further testing, such as an amniocentesis, because it really wouldn't matter since we are having the baby no matter what. I do see his point, but part of me would really want to find out more if possible (despite the risks) so that at least we were mentally and emotionally prepared for what lies ahead.

Now, this could all be for naught. It could turn out that this is all just the doctor being overly cautious. And I pray that this is the case. I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined my pregnancy to be this unpredictable, and I realize this is quite an oxymoron. Perhaps I was spoiled with my first pregnancy, which was picture perfect. Sometimes I wonder if this is me "paying the piper" for the fact that I have been blessed with a beautiful daughter and am being blessed again with a son. There are so many thoughts going through my head right now that it is difficult to sort through. We are still trying to digest everything that has happened before today, and now it's as if we've eaten too much at the buffet. Way too much to break down and digest and sort through.

If there has been one good thing that has come out of all of this, it is the reaffirmation that my marriage is one that can withstand anything. I believe that over the past 30 days, my husband and I have learned how strong we are both as individuals and as a couple. If you never had to live the meaning of the "for worse" part of your marriage vows, then you are lucky, and I would never wish that upon you. But, those of you who have, know how it is much different to say it than to live it. Everyone's "for worse" is different, at different degrees, and it's all relative. In the short time that we have been married, I can say that this past month has been the first "for worse" we've endured. And I hope we never have to deal with anything worse. Actually, I think we are due for a "for better" one of these days.

Day 26- Taking it in stride

I always thought I would be a mom who always had her "stuff" together. You know, someone who never looks frazzled or stressed and who looks like she is handling it all in stride. Boy was I wrong. Most days, I just feel like a hot mess. And add to that if I actually attempt to go out with E (not in the past month, but before) and she has a meltdown, well, you can just about see a cloud of stress around me. I know some moms who seem to be totally anxiety-free and seem to handle every situation with grace. How do they do it? I sincerely cannot fathom this. And, I also can't understand what it is about motherhood that is so stressful. Is it wrong to say everything? Don't get me wrong, it's the best job in the world. But, I think there are so many judgements on what a "good" mother is, and a lot of us enter into it holding ourselves to other people's standards.

I had a conversation with a good friend of mine last night who had two kids herself. She says she doesn't pay attention to what the books say or what other people say and just does what she feels her kids need in the moment. This is such good advice! I think that should be at the forefront of all those books that tell you how to be good parents. I believe that a lot of these books strip away our natural instincts as moms (and dads) and make us feel we have no clue how to do this. And yes, there are many days I believe that I should probably have been required to pass a test before becoming a parent. My friend also said kids know way more about themselves than we, or any of those books do. Sometimes, being a parent is about letting your child lead you. For example, E is a really picky eater and has not been into eating solids (unlike some of her friends who are up to three meals a day). I was getting very overwhelmed about this, and then I took a step back. Within a week, she started taking less formula in the morning, and wanting more solids. So, I went with it. Now, even though she still likes her bottle, she is doing better eating solids. And, it came completely from her, not forced by me.

Sometimes I wonder if any other mom or dad feels like a hot mess, completely overwhelmed in parenthood. I do get caught up in the stress of things, but amazingly, E's precious smile can bring me to the place where it really matters. It's like she knows when I am completely overwhelmed about something, she will look at me and smile or laugh. Maybe she does know more than I think.

Days 20 & 21- our "hip" baby

Today, we saw the Chief of Pediatric Orthopedics at the University Hospital for E's hip dysplasia. Needless to say, I didn't write a blog yesterday because both hubby and I were completely overwhelmed and anxious last night. I'm not sure how much sleep we got either.

It turns out E's dysplasia is mild enough where she will only need to wear a brace at night and for naps for four months. Good, because she is not limited with her mobility during the day. We are (especially me) very anxious about how she will adjust to wearing it for sleeping. She does not like to be restrained at all, and I think it will make for some very sleepless nights for a little while. We will just have to keep reminding ourselves that it is for the best, and be thankful that God created caffeine. Now, we have to get through the pediatric neurosurgeon appointment on May 10th, and hope for the best with that.

So, I was "facebooking" with someone today who is going through an overwhelming situation in his life right now. He said something very interesting to me, he said "I guess we don't get to choose to be ready." What he was referring to was choosing to be ready to handle or deal with all that life throws at you unexpectedly. You know, he is totally right, because if I was given the time to choose to be ready to deal with everything life has dumped on my family, I would never be ready. I also believe that given all that we have been through lately, I think we have done a great job at handling it. You just learn how to shovel through the crap and live your life every day. It might be slower, it might be more difficult, but once you've shoveled it all, then it is so much easier. And the next time you hit a pile of crap, you've built up the muscles to deal with it. And yes, I am using crap as a symbolism here. I think it's fitting.

Day 19- Queen of the "what ifs"

I have always been a "what if" type of person. A lot of this stems from my type A, control freak personality. Ask my mom and she will agree 110%. Growing up I can remember driving her crazy with all my what if scenarios. What if people at school don't like me? What if the hairdresser cuts my hair wrong? What if we get to the movies and they sold out? And so on, and so on. I always needed to know "what if" because then I could plan for the outcome. I am not a person who likes surprises. I like everything neat and tidy and all planned out. Anyone who has spent five minutes with me will attest to this. I am a planner, not a spur-of-the-moment person at all. Black and white please, no grey. Now, those of you who have entered into the world of parenthood are probably laughing hysterically right now, because you know the first thing I learned as a parent is that my new favorite color is grey. It's taken me a while to accept this (and I don't think I have totally accepted it yet) but I would like to hope I am doing better coping with it. When a person like me gets hit with massive grey area, it's like a natural disaster. I am someone who doesn't understand the "it's complicated" category for relationship status on Facebook. Honestly, what's so complicated? You either are in a relationship or you aren't. See how my brain works? Total black and white.

So, if there has ever been a time when I am hit with an enormous amount of what-ifs, it's now. Since last week all that has been going through my head is what-ifs about E's hip and head situations. And the thing that's driving me bonkers is that I have little control over any of it. Sometimes I stop and picture E in a harness or a cast, and I have to fight back tears. This is all rather silly, since we have yet to see the doctor. But, the planner, type A, what-if queen in me NEEDS to think ahead, and yes plan for the worse, so I know how I will deal with it, or what my next move will be. This drives my husband bonkers because he doesn't understand why I worry about things that haven't yet happened. And really, when you think about it, he has a point. Why do I waste the energy worrying about the outcome of something we haven't yet encountered? I can't answer that, all I can say is it's just the way I am, it's...me. I have always been the take action, do something person. For example, ask my friends from grad school. I bet you they would all tell you I was a complete nut case about organizing study sessions for our Oral Exams and making sure we all got to class on time. Sometimes I long to be that laid back, come what may person. I've tried to be that way, and it doesn't feel natural to me. So, I succumb to the part of worrier, doer, and master planner.

I think that being the "what-if" queen helps me feel like I am in control of things, even if I am not. And that helps me better deal with situations. So, if the needless worrying (as my hubby calls it) gives me a sense of control and black and white in a world of grey, is that so bad?

Days 16, 17, 18- Overload

So, I haven't blogged in a couple days simply because things have been too overwhelming for me even to write. Usually writing helps me feel less overwhelmed, but there has been so much going through my head I haven't been able to sort through it all until now.

Thursday morning we took E for her 9 month check up. On a whim we mentioned that sometimes we hear her hips crack and pop, but it never seems to bother her. (Oddly enough, I would hear this happen when I was pregnant with her. After convincing myself I wasn't crazy, I mentioned it to my OB who said she had heard of it happening before, but that was something for the pediatrician to deal with.) The doctor ordered x-rays just to be safe, and it turns out she has some hip dysplasia. The pediatrician called the chief of pediatric orthopedics and got us in with her this coming week. Now, if that wasn't enough to take, the pedi is also worried about the size of E's head, and so we are also going to a pediatric neurosurgeon for her to be checked out. I'm not sure how to feel about this, since her development is on target and my husband's head is in the 98th percentile for size. I would like to not worry about it and say it's genetics, but honestly I didn't think her hip popping was a big deal, either.

So, there are a couple things that really infuriate me about this whole thing. From birth to about 5 months, we took E to our family physician because she said she took babies as patients. This doctor has had me as a patient since I was about 7 or 8, so it seemed like a good choice. At one of E's first visits, I mentioned the hip popping, and the doc said everything was fine. Also, she never measured E's head at any appointment, which is apparently standard practice, so the current pedi has nothing to chart her head growth with. This infuriates me the most, because if the family doc said she accepts babies as patients, then she should be up with the standard practices for infants.

So the thing with all this is I feel like a complete and total failure. Add the fact that my current pregnancy is having issues, and it makes me feel like the worst parent in the world. I keep thinking that I should have known the doctor was supposed to be taking head measurements at every visit. And, I should have pressed the issue with E's hips. I didn't know or do any of this, and so I feel completely at fault. And no, this isn't based on any good reasoning, it's completely unreasonable mom guilt. I know every mom reading this knows exactly what I am talking about. It starts the day your child is born and I don't think it ever goes away. I feel like I have already failed my daughter, and it's only been 9 months.

If there is one thing I have learned, especially in the past week, it is to listen to my instincts. I knew that E was not getting the proper care, so we switched doctors. I thought I should mention the hip popping, even though it may be nothing. It turns out it is something, and I am glad I said something. I wish there was an off button for all this mom guilt, though.

Day 15- Actions and Words

Everybody knows the saying "Actions speak louder than words." I mostly agree with this, but I wonder if this saying puts the importance of the words we use on the back burner. For example, you could act nice towards someone, then turn around and call them a jerk or an idiot. So, would you believe the action of that person, or the words that came out of their mouth? On the contrary, when you say you love someone, you have to follow it up with the proper actions, or there is no substance to your words.

Most of us know that the words politicians use and the actions they take once in office do not usually line up. In this case, we tend to rely on their performance while serving the public as a true outline of their character. Wouldn't it be great if we had an entire Senate and House full of politicians whose actions and words were one in the same, 100% of the time, no matter what political party they belong to? I think it would set a standard in all government, federal and state, to stand by your word. How many of us are guilty of saying one thing, and acting differently? Well, I am sure most of us are. For example, you say nothing is bothering you, but your body language tells a completely different story (I am totally guilty of this). Why do we do this? Maybe we think it's easier to avoid a conflict, but it is rather passive-aggressive. If we would just use our words the issue would be solved a lot quicker. I think all relationships have a tendency for this to happen: parent-child, husband-wife, boyfriend-girlfriend, etc. That doesn't make it right, it just makes it human nature I suppose.

I think part of my job as a parent is to make sure that my actions and words always line up. Discipline is a huge area where this is very important. Say what you mean and mean what you say, then follow through. Easier said than done, I'm sure. But, won't that teach my children the value of words and actions?

One of the many thoughts running through my head this month goes along with this whole idea of matching actions and words. Normally, I would do things such as cook my husband a nice dinner, have all the laundry done, do the errands he has been meaning to do, go pick up a little "love you" card, etc. in order to SHOW him how much I love him. Right now, all I have are my words, and I pray that is enough. He is one of the greatest examples of matching your actions and words. My husband has pulled people out of ditches in a snowstorm, or been the first to an accident scene right outside our house, without even thinking twice. And when people thank him for doing things like this, he looks right at them and says "No problem, you're welcome. Just wanted to help." And, without knowing him at all, these people know he means it. You see, he does the same for me, in fact, he does ANYTHING he needs to in order to make sure I am happy. He says he loves me AND he shows he loves me, every day. I just hope that in some way I am showing him right now I love him and our family so much, that I am surrendering all control in order to give him, and us, a beautiful, healthy son, and complete our family.

So, how many times do your words and actions match up?

Day 14- Miracle

Miracles happen every day. They don't have to be huge, they can be very small. Every day a baby is born. Huge miracle. Every day that you wake up able to live your life, that's a miracle too. Sure, sometimes we hear of someone rescuing another from a burning building, or finding a lost child, but those are the big ones. I'm not saying these are any less important, but I think a lot of the times we wait for the big miracles and forget about the small ones all around us.

I'll name some of the smaller miracles that I've experienced: working in the career I dreamed of, meeting my husband, my close relationship with my parents, having my daughter, being pregnant a second time with a baby boy, and maybe most pronounced lately is the fact that my brother was pretty much on Death's door a couple weeks ago and is now back to himself and doing better. And let me tell you, I do not doubt for a second that the prayers and positive thoughts of others played a huge role in that.

Everybody can find at least a small miracle in their life. I think it's good to do this from time to time in order to put things in perspective. This is especially helpful when you are having an extremely bad day. I decided that when E screams herself to sleep at night, I will try to think of her smiling, or even think of her crying as a miracle. She's here and she's healthy and she's mine.

So, I am learning how to let go of the pain of recent friendships gone awry. This has actually helped me feel better about things and helped me focus on all the awesome people I have in my life. Oh, I see that as small miracle too; having people in your life who care about you and go above and beyond for you is nothing short of a miracle. How many people can't say that? Probably more than you think.

Day 13- Rounded Binary form, ABA

So, today was odd. The title of my blog today describes a form of music called Rounded Binary (and I pray this is correct, or shame me for having a Masters in Music!) where the beginning and the ending are basically the same (hence the two "A's") and the middle is different (B). This is the only way I can describe my day today. The A's represent how I felt when I woke up and how I feel now, and the B represents how I felt this afternoon.

I woke up feeling exhausted, agitated, and uncomfortable (back and hip pain) and that's how I feel now. But, the middle of my day was great. I meditated for ten minutes and went grocery shopping with E and my mom. She pushed E in the cart and I wheeled myself around in the wheel chair. I was actually proud of myself, I feel like I did great AND I got an amazing arm workout at the same time. Score! I rewarded myself with a Friendly's Sundae from the grocery freezer. Yum.

So, I downloaded the Kindle app for my iPhone which basically allows my phone to act like a mini Kindle. I bought a book today on meditation and am already intrigued. It's the Meditation for Idiots book which I figured would have clear-cut, down to earth advice and instructions. Hopefully it will be helpful.

So, let's talk about the whole cry-it-out method (maybe better known as the Ferber method). John and I both agree that this is the best way to teach Emma how to get herself to sleep. But that doesn't make it any easier to sit and listen to her crying, sometimes screaming, without feeling like I am seriously emotionally scarring her. We go in every ten minutes or so, rub her back and tell her good night, until she eventually calms down. Why does it seem like I have such a harder time than hubby? Is it purely a man/woman thing? Am I dealing with it emotionally while hubby is dealing with it practically? Maybe I need to think about it in a more practical manner, but I'm not sure that as a woman and a mother I am wired to think that way. If she wakes up tomorrow not hating me, that will be a good thing.

So, there explains my rounded binary day, I woke up exhausted (not sleeping well because alas, as I get bigger I get more uncomfortable every day) and agitated, had a great afternoon, and am ending the day exhausted and agitated again. It would be great if it could be the other way around, but tomorrow is a new day.

Day 12- Anxiety

Anxiety is a word that is all too common with me. I hate it, and I just want to let it all go, but by force of habit I suppose, I don't. I've always been a rather high strung person (no, me?), but I believe it got worse after E was born. I can't really pinpoint exactly why it got worse, but it did. Maybe it was the labor, or the sheer reality of being responsible for another human being, her well-being and safety. Anxiety is evil, and I will tell you why.

Anxiety makes me doubt myself all the time. This is most prevalent is my daily care of E. Is she on schedule? Has she eaten enough? Is she getting enough play and interaction? Have I done enough today to ensure her development? Does she know that when she cries in her crib and I don't always pick her up that I love her? Why is she crying? How do I fix it? What if I CAN'T fix it? This is just a SMALL portion of what goes on in my head every day. And if you think it's exhausting, you are right. I doubt myself and my abilities as a mom every day, and if an outsider were to look in, they would not understand why. Developmentally E is on target or even ahead of the game, she is healthy, gaining weight, and most of the time is a happy baby. But, on nights like tonight when she is fussing and crying and doesn't want to go to sleep, I worry that this will screw up her schedule and teach her bad habits. Exhausting work my brain goes through every day.

Anxiety also makes me worried that I am not being the best wife I could be. And this month of bed rest doesn't help (even though I had no control over that). I am a perfectionist and anyone who knows me well will attest to that, so I strive for perfection in everything. Even something small like tonight, when hubby stayed to help with a crying E instead of going out and getting some time with friends (that he desperately needs), makes me feel like I failed. If I was a stronger person with less anxiety about E crying and not sleeping, then maybe my husband could actually enjoy himself more. I try so hard, but sometimes I feel like I am running in quick sand.

Now, you should know that at no point in time is anyone making me doubt myself except for me. It's purely self-inflicted, which sometimes I think is worse. If there was someone actually saying these things to me, then I could make the choice to ignore them. But, I can't really make the choice to ignore myself. I wish I could get out of my own head, and let it all go. You'd think it would be easy, but actually it's one of the hardest things. I'm not used to having nothing to be anxious or worried about. The funny thing is, when I am playing and interacting with E, the anxiety is gone. I am totally tuned into her and enjoying every moment of it. I just need to find a way to take that and bring it into daily life.

So, you see how anxiety can have a snowball effect on everything. I just want the people I love to have the best; the best mom, the best wife, the best daughter, etc. Lately, I haven't felt the best of anything, except maybe the best at worrying. When I could actually do normal daily life activities, it was better. I could clean the house, do the laundry, make dinner, AND take care of E, and then I would feel like I was accomplishing things and was the wife my husband deserves and the mom my daughter deserves. Of course, I KNOW that the ability to do chores is not why hubby married me, but what husband doesn't appreciate a clean house, a full stomach and a happy baby when he gets home? So now, I can't do any of that, and I'm even limited in taking care of E, so I sometimes feel as though my self-worth is out the window. What CAN I do? I'm really good at sitting on the couch. I just need to remind myself that I AM growing a human, and maybe that trumps anything else.

So, I am going to try something this week to see if it works, and hubby is going to try something too. I am going to attempt to take 5 minutes every morning to meditate and breathe and work on my anxiety about the day ahead. Hubby is going to try to go to the gym 3 or 4 times a week and work off his stress right now (not as bad as mine, but still there). I'm looking forward to seeing if this helps me, and him. I'll report on it later, I'm sure!

Day 11- Saturday, good day

We had a good day today. Hubby took E to swim lessons and quarantined me to the bedroom and told me to nap. And I did, for a glorious two hours. Add that to the extremely long list of why I love my husband so much. My aunt made a good point today, and it is so true. She said that even though I am doing a lot of laying around lately, I still need to get lots of sleep because this baby is taking a lot out of me. I suppose growing a human IS a tiring activity, so maybe I should get more of those impromptu naps.

After swimming we headed out to visit my aunt and uncle who are always extremely willing to visit with E. And we had an awesome home-cooked meal along with visiting. That's a pretty good Saturday if you ask me.

So I came upon this quote, though I'm not sure who said it (maybe the Bible?) but I thought I would share it.

"The will of God will never bring you to a place where the grace of God will not protect you. If He brings you to it, He'll bring you through it."

Okay, so I am not a religious guru or fanatic, but I really would like to believe in this quote. From my own personal experiences thus far, this quote holds true. When I was going through my divorce I experienced some of the worst emotional pain of my life, yet I am here today with a wonderful husband, daughter, and a son on the way. When I was going through labor (like I said, a WHOLE separate entry on that) there were some points during it that I really didn't know if I was going to make it, if E was going to make it, or if even hubby would make it. But we did, and we have a healthy little girl who is the light of our lives. You see, I think this quote goes along with my previous entry on sacrifice. I think that God (or whomever you choose to believe in) has a way of teaching you sacrifice in order to become a better person, or to obtain the things in life you truly want. Maybe you agree with me, maybe you think I am acting borderline televangelist. Either way, I find this to be an inspirational and comforting quote.

Looking forward to a good Sunday, and enjoying my "red wine" (aka, sparkling grape juice). Yum!

Day 10- Double digits!

I've finally reached the double-digits! It's only uphill from here.

I'd like to talk about friendship today. Hubby and I were talking about it a little tonight at dinner. I think friendship is a word with many different meanings or levels, and all the people you call your friends fall into one of those levels. And, sometimes, you can have a friend start out in one level and then migrate to another, whether on purpose or not. So, here are the levels I understand in terms of friendship: acquaintance level, good friend level, best friend level.

Acquaintance level is, for me, the most expansive level I have. I believe myself to be a people person, and so I can have great conversations with many people. But I would never expect anything more from people in this level than an occasional phone call or Facebook message, just to let me know we are still in touch. This is why I have the most people in this group because truthfully, it's the easiest to keep up.

Good friend level is not as populated for me, but numbers don't matter. Good friends call you often, email you, message or Facebook you and try to keep up with your life on a frequent basis. They know what is going on in your life, and you in theirs. They do favors for you when you ask, and sometimes when you don't. Good friends are great to have, and I am lucky to have the ones I do.

Best friend level is the least inhabited level of the three, but honestly it's something that screams quality over quantity. A best friend can go weeks without talking to you and still know what is going on in your life. She knows you well, sometimes better than you know yourself, and vice versa. She's been there for your greatest, saddest, and most humiliating moments, and sticks around through it all. Life is so fleeting, and it's because of this that I believe this group has the least people. It's difficult to keep any relationship going over many years as you and the other change as people, change locales, etc.

So why this discussion and outline of friendship? Because I have noticed recently how some friends of mine have switched categories, going from either good or best friend down to acquaintance. It's sad but the truth is, it was their choice. Maybe I expect too much from my good or best friends, but when someone who you consider a good friend is going through a tough time and you make no attempt to call or even email that person, you have chosen, whether on purpose or not, to move yourself to another category. And that's fine, because I have learned through this ordeal that the quality of my TRUE good and best friends outweighs any quantity, and someday they will realize they are missing out on a good friendship: mine.

Day 9- Lemons

I have put off writing today because I have been very agitated and stressed about things, and I wanted to avoid having a completely negative entry. So this is my disclaimer: this might be more negative than usual, and I apologize up front. There, you are warned.

Everything seems to be bothering me today, and I hate days like this. But what is getting to me the most is having to ask everyone to do things for me. It's getting old and it's only day 9. I like to think of myself as independent, I do things for myself and don't like to ask for help. I am self-sufficient. Now I just feel like a burden or, as my colleagues and I used to call some students, a PITA (short for Pain In The Ass).

Life is not perfect (though some people seem to think it is) and anyone who expects it to be is sorely mistaken. I never asked for my life to be flawless, I just need a break. I am hoping this break will come on May 7th, and I can have my everyday life back. It would be silly for me to ask questions like "why does this happen to me?" because I really detest questions like this. It's like asking why the sky is blue, it doesn't matter. Everybody gets dealt a different deck, I just think that sometimes the cards you draw are the unlucky ones. And it's okay because life has a way of evening out. I had an awful labor and birth with E (and if you think I am being over dramatic, let me tell you about it sometime) but I got a beautiful, perfect little girl because of it. When life hands you lemons, just wait for them to ripen. Give it some time, and you'll be sipping that lemonade basking in the sunshine of life.

Right now, my lemons are ripening, but they are not there yet. When I am holding my healthy little boy in my hands, that will be my lemonade, and I can't wait to taste it!

Day 8- Sacrifice

Everybody can define the word sacrifice, but can everybody say they REALLY understand what it means? I'll tell you two ways in which you can experience sacrifice: parenthood and marriage.

Let's talk about parenthood first. As soon as you become a parent, you very quickly realize that this is not your carefree, do whatever life anymore. The thing most parents would say gets sacrificed first is sleep. However, I don't believe that's it. See, I think the very first thing we learn as parents is that we are no longer in control of everything. I certainly learned that the hard way during E's birth, and then when I was up every one to two hours in those first months. I think we learn how to cope with this loss of control, but understand that nothing is predictable anymore. I believe that the first rule of parenting, beyond loving your children unconditionally, is completely understanding that your life will be made up of sacrifices once you have a child. I am living a sacrifice right now with the loss of my "freedom", so to speak. I am doing this for my son, and would do it a hundred times more if I had to. The people around me are more than willing to help because most of them are all parents too. Those who aren't are good people and that's why they are friends.

There is a constant dichotomy happening in my brain nowadays. It started the minute E was born, and I don't think it will ever go away. This would be the "devil on one shoulder, angel on the other" sort of dichotomy. Examples? Well, let's see. When I was nursing E and it was a fight every day, I just wanted to quit. The devil said do it, the angel said keep going because it was so good for her. And now, every time I get up to do something, the devil says "you're feeling fine, don't act so lazy" and the angel says "think about your son, do what you are supposed to". It's downright exhausting sometimes to have this back and forth conversation with myself. Like most people, the angel usually wins (except for the whole nursing episode, which is a completely different blog entry), because it represents sacrifice itself.

.

So now, let's talk about sacrifice in relationships, but more specifically marriage. In my experience, a breakdown of a marriage can be explained very clearly...one person or both people stopped sacrificing for the other. It's a daily thing in marriage, right? To sacrifice for the other person? Most of the time it's small things, like, your husband is late for work so you let him have the bathroom first, even though you REALLY have to pee. Sometimes, though, it's bigger things, like, your wife is pregnant and is on bed rest for a month, so everything from housework to child care rests on your shoulders. And if you think I am talking about my husband, you're right. Sacrifice doesn't come without frustration. I could see the frustrating look in hubby's eyes this morning as he was running horribly late for work, but had to clean and get E dressed. It breaks my heart that everything rests on him right now, because usually we split things evenly. As soon of one of us stops understanding HOW and WHY to sacrifice for the other, then I think we will be walking down a bumpy road. We are both making sacrifices right now, and they are for the same reason, our son. As long as we keep that in mind, I believe we will be okay.

In truly loving someone, comes sacrifice. And for all that sacrificing, you get a lot back. You are rewarded with companionship, love, respect, and the feeling that someone will do that for you, too. As a parent, your constant surrender and sacrifice gives you the joy of raising your children and knowing you are doing the best for them.

So, on I go in this life, making sacrifices for those I love and being happy (most of the time) to do it.

Day 7- One week done

Seven days down, 24 days left. It is what it is, I guess. I've been trying not to wish away life lately, you know, like wish it was next week already. I am trying to "live in the moment" more. I hate to say it, but I wish that I was 24 days down, 7 left to go. I know I'll get there, it just seems so far from now. The funny thing is if I was able to do my normal daily activities now this time would fly by, so maybe I just have to get into that frame of mind. Easier said than done, though.

E cracks me up. Today, instead of napping, she played in her crib for an hour. I guess I can be thankful she didn't scream the entire time. She kept herself so entertained that she pulled the animals off of her mobile. When I went in to get her, I looked down at the poor lion on the floor, then looked at her giving me a huge grin. How do you not laugh?

Tomorrow I get to enjoy a visit with friends and babies. It's so good for E to be around other kids, she absolutely loves it. And it's good for me and other moms to get together and keep our sanity! I'm getting past the "sure you can come over, but please excuse the state of my house" feeling. People who come over aren't here to judge the fact that my tables aren't dusted and my floors aren't swept. And those who would judge haven't even bothered to make an appearance, so it doesn't matter.

Here is my list for today:

1) E is getting such a personality and sense of humor. I love it (I know, I'll eat these words later)

2) Hubby had the first half of his CPR class, which includes infant CPR. Then he will teach me.

3) So far, E's new "meal plan", which includes more solids, is going fairly well.

4) Looking forward to a weekend of getting out of the house, even if that means I have to wheel myself somewhere!

5) I think E's medicine is starting to work.

Onward and upward, as they say. Tomorrow is a new day.

Day 6- Lucky

I feel lucky today. I'm lucky to have a husband who sends me to the couch at 4 am when E is awake and coughing. He says I need rest because of the baby, and I say he needs rest because he needs to work. He just looks at me, points toward the couch, and says "go!". Who am I to argue, especially at 4am. I also feel lucky for every day I have with my daughter. Yes, even at 4am when she is not sleeping. I am trying hard this week to appreciate the little miracles of every day. To me, every time E smiles at me, or coos, or looks at hubby and says "DaDa". that's a miracle. Those are the things you can't get back or recreate, so they need to be cherished in the moment.

I also feel lucky for all the great friends and family we are blessed with. Today I got a call from a good friend of mine at 3pm. She said "Hi, I'm bringing you dinner at 5:30". You can't replace friends like this. I am grateful for the friends who have offered to come sit with me during their vacation and passing up an opportunity to do something way more fun. That, my friends, is real friendship. Bringing me books and dinner, sitting with me even though it's boring, calling me and checking up on me. And I hope that I am as good a friend to all of you as you are to me.

As for E and her 4am escapade, it turns out the poor thing has a sinus infection. I am no stranger to this ailment, as I used to get them four times a year during my first three years of teaching. I want to take the infection away from her and put it in my sinuses. It breaks my heart to hear her coughing and sniffling and see her eyes watering. Poor baby. This is why we are lucky to have antibiotics. So this pain will hopefully be short-lived.

I'm not going to do a whole list of positives, since my entire blog was an homage to things that are good in my life. What are YOU lucky for? Start with one thing, then go from there.

Day 5- Blah

That's my word for today- blah. I woke up feeling that way, and can't seem to shake it. Pretty sure E will need to go to the doctor tomorrow for her allergies and I think she is constipated- poor thing. Hubby is taking E swimming later (since she missed her class yesterday), so I am hoping to get some reading done.

I did enjoy a visit from my best friend today. She brought books and food, awesome! We have been friends since 9th grade (yes, about 15 years, yikes!) and we have the type of friendship where we can go a month without talking and it's like nothing has changed. This served us well when we were in college, she in New York and I in Western MA. I don't have many friends whom I have known this long, and I cherish our friendship. She is E's Godmother (naturally, who else would have been?) and is so good with her.

Hubby and I have decided on a name for the boy, but we have decided to keep it to ourselves until he is born. We wanted something that stayed between the two of us for the next 4 1/2 months. It also gives us the chance to change our minds when the boy is born, in case all of a sudden we don't like what we have chosen. We both knew we wouldn't be able to keep the gender a secret (too exciting!) so we decided on this. And, even though it is tough not to tell others, I kind of like it.

That's pretty much it for today. Just thinking (and stressing) about the week ahead. Like I said in a previous blog, I am NOT a day-today person. I need planning, I need a schedule. We think we have a plan for the end of the week (my mom is off the first half), but nothing has been finalized. Uggh.

Ok, so making this positive list today is a little more difficult, but here it is.

1) Enjoyed a visit from the bff

2) She brought me food and books

3) Hubby cleaned the house.

Yep, that's it, only 3 things today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Day 4- Quite an eye-opener...

Ok, so I had the chance to get out of the house today. Shhhh, don't tell the doc. This past week we rented a wheel chair for me to use on days like this, so I assure you, I sat in the wheel chair all day, and only got up to go the bathroom.

We went to the Accepted Students' Day for my sister at Framingham State College. First of all, what a beautiful campus, and a beautiful school. All of the faculty and students we spoke with were beyond courteous and beyond helpful. I am psyched for my sister; and yes, a bit jealous! I remember how fun college was.

My eye-opening experience happened because I had to be in the wheel chair all day, and so to everyone who doesn't know my story, I was "that handicapped woman". I thought it wouldn't bother me so much, but it did, and now I would like to say that maybe I can empathize a little with people who spend their lives being disabled. Let me just say, people treat you differently. They look at you differently; looking at you and giving you a half smile, half "poor you" glance. Or, they act in the exact opposite way and don't look at you at all, like if they pretend you don't exist, you won't. They also do not get out of the way for wheel chairs, like YOU are inconveniencing them. So frustrating.

I know I cannot say that I completely know what it is like to be disabled, because thankfully, I don't. But, I do know that now I have a much better understanding of how not to treat people with physical disabilities. Believe me, our society is not made for handicapped people. I noticed something, and maybe this is a bit over dramatic, but most of the buildings we went in today did not have handicapped entrances at the front, they were all in the back. It kind of felt a bit demoralizing, like just because I was in a wheelchair, I didn't deserve to enter in the front with everyone else. Maybe that thinking is a bit overkill, but it makes you wonder, doesn't it? I spent the entire day feeling like an outcast, like the ugly duckling. I wonder, is this how the disabled feel? I can't imagine having a physical handicap (not just something temporary, like me) and having to make my way through this world. I have a whole new level of respect for people with a physical disability that makes them vulnerable to this "non-handicapped" society in which we live.

Speaking of being vulnerable, I think that is how I have felt over the past few days. I am basically at the mercy of everyone around me. If I am feeding E in her high chair and she finishes, I have to ask someone to move her to the next "activity". When she wakes up from her nap, I can go in and say hi, but I must have someone else there to lift her out of her crib. Why? Because I am vulnerable to what is going on in my body. I am not in control of things, and any wrong movement could mean trouble. I hate being vulnerable, I am very much a type A person. I am in control of things 24/7, and that's the way I like it. My nose was knocked a little out of joint in a good way when E was born, and I learned how little control I had over certain things. But can you imagine not being in control over what is happening in your own body? I think most people can say that they feel they have at least that type of control most of the time. I could go on and on, but I won't. I think you get the point.

Now, on with my positive for the day:

1) I am super excited for my sister, and so proud that she is making this next, huge step.

2) I remembered today how lucky I was to go to college and to have that great college experience everyone talks about.

3) My sister and my mother pushed me around today, up huge hills, and didn't complain one bit.

4) Hubby will be home tonight. Hope he had a good day fishing

5) E was a good girl today for my aunt.

6) Speaking of my aunt, what a saint. She stayed here last night and stayed all day with E. Thank you!

7) It's a beautiful day...a bit cold, but I'll take it over rain and snow.

In closing today, I ask that next time you see someone in a wheel chair, give them a heart felt smile or "hello"...this will make their day. They want to be treated like the human beings they are, not as outcasts.

Day 3- I'm not used to quiet....

It's quiet here, almost too quiet. My cousin (ok, not blood-related cousin, but really should be, since she is family anyway) came down this morning and took E for the day. It is giving me the chance to rest and not worry about the baby's every need. Honestly, it's wonderful. I'm getting the rest I need, and I know E is thoroughly enjoying herself with the other kids. Today is an example of people doing what they can to help. My parents need to work, and so does my husband, so my cousin came and took E so I wasn't alone here with her. Awesome. Tonight, the hubby has a fishing tournament on the Cape and will be gone until tomorrow. I know he feels guilty about it, but he has a lot of stress right now and needs a way to relieve that. My aunt is coming down to stay here and help out so hubby can go and I won't be alone all night. Again, awesome. How would we do this without family and friends? I don't even want to know what it would be like.

Which leads me to the family who I know would kill to be here, but can't. The hubby's family miles away in the Mid West. I want you to know that just because you are not here physically, your emotional support has been insurmountable. Calling and messaging every day to see how we are, and to tell us how much you love us and wish you were there. To be honest, that's a lot more than what I've gotten from some people who live in the same area.

And this leads me to talk about my disappointment. I have been trying to avoid this, but it is bothering me too much. Maybe I expect too much, or maybe it is just common decency that when you have a friend who is having a hard time that you call them or even send them an email. I am very disappointed that some people (whom I would have expected would have been the first people on the telephone) haven't even tried to email me, never mind call, to ask how I am doing, or how my brother is doing. Look, I am not someone who does the "poor me" stuff, but honestly, this has been one crappy week for me and my family. I think that warrants a phone call or an email, don't you?

On the flip side of all of this, there have been many people, good friends, family, and even people whom I would never expect, reaching out to help, whether it be by calling me, texting me, emailing me, or coming to see me. I love all of you and you will never know how much your care and support means to me and hubby.

Ok, now on with the positive. Here is my list for today:

1) My brother has been moved to a regular room, no more ICU.

2) I am getting a day of total rest.

3) I felt the babe move today, and it reminded me how important it is I do what the doctor is ordering.

4) I am finally sitting down and watching a movie I've wanted to see for a while.

5) I am looking forward to some visitors this weekend.

So, there is it, my list of 5. Not the list of 1o I had yesterday, but 5 is better than nothing.

Day 2- Things are looking up- then down-then up....

I've found myself having wavering moods lately. I know, I know- surprise! I'm pregnant. Everybody knows that pregnant women have a tendency toward mood swings, that is nothing new. But I think that being stuck in the house makes it a little more potent. I did get to sit outside yesterday a couple times, and enjoyed a nice visit from a good friend and her daughter, so that always helps my mood. I've decided to do something, a little exercise, every day to see if it helps me stay positive. I am going to try and identify positive things that are in my life, and write them down.

See, I think one of the hardest things about being so limited is it's isolating. It's kind of like how I felt when my daughter was first born and, since I had a c-section, I was not allowed to drive, lift, or do anything strenuous for 6 weeks. PLUS, I had a newborn and was trying to cope with that whole life-changing occurrence. At least now, I have a great relationship with my daughter and we have somewhat more of a schedule down, which makes it a little easier to bear. But, the isolation is what kills me. And, yes, there are people here to talk to, I understand that. I am not LONELY, I just feel isolated from the outside world. I can't even run up to the pharmacy to get a prescription. Everything is such a dramatic production. My mother did my groceries for me yesterday, for which I am grateful. Even though I HATE doing groceries, I would kill to do them right now. It also doesn't help that I am not really in the frame of mind of being on bed rest yet. For example, yesterday I was thinking about a few things I needed to pick up at Target, and started planning out in my head the day today and how I would run to Target after E ate lunch but before her nap. Then, I had to stop myself and say "wait a sec, you CAN'T do any of that!!!". It's so frustrating. But, enough with the negative. Here is a list of positive stuff for today:

1) This totally has to be number 1: My brother seems to be doing a lot better. He is more coherent, and back to himself.

2) I have a husband who loves me, E, and the new babe, and will do anything he has to to ensure we are safe, healthy, happy, and provided for.

3) I have found out how many people, whether near or far, care about me and my family.

4) Since I am pregnant, I can have a McDonald's shake every day and not feel an ounce of guilt. (until, of course, it's time to go back to the gym)

5) I have a whole church family who is praying for me, the new babe, and my brother. If that doesn't make you feel loved, I'm not sure what does.

6) E has already smiled at me at least 3 times today, and it's only 11 am.

7) Even though she isn't napping at the moment, she isn't screaming either.

8) Grey's Anatomy is on tonight, it's one of my favorite shows (hey, I'll draw a positive from wherever I have to)

9) It's sunny out today, and we haven't had any depressing rain.

10) I'm feeling better today, physically.

So, let me talk a little more about number 10. I am feeling a lot better today physically, and have not had any bleeding since yesterday morning. I am absolutely psyched about that, but also fear that this might be a bit dangerous. Why, you ask? Because the way that I am, if I am feeling better, than all I want to do is go, go, go. Clean the bathroom, pick up the house, do some errands. Be the person I am used to being, and the person my husband is used to having. It's really hard to hold myself back and MAKE myself do nothing. It's kind of like when you have an infection, and the doctor prescribes an antibiotic, and after 3 days you feel better, but you have a 10-day dose. You don't see the need to keep taking it since you feel better. But, the reason you have a dose for 10 days is to ensure that your body is completely healed of the infection and to give you time to bounce back. So, that's how I think of this. I feel better today, but there is a reason why the doctor said a month of nothing. If you think about it, what is going on inside of me is quite a miracle, and very fragile, and I am NOT about to mess around with that.

So, on with the positive thinking......most of the time. Hey, I'm only human, right?

Day 1 of the "couch-contained" month

in·va·lid

¹   [in-vuh-lid; Brit. in-vuh-leed] Show IPA

–noun

1.

an infirm or sickly person.

2.

a person who is too sick or weak to care for himself or herself: My father was an invalid the last ten years of his life.

3.

Archaic. a member of the armed forces disabled for active service.

–adjective

4.

unable to care for oneself due to infirmity or disability: his invalid sister.

5.

of or for invalids: in

valid diets.

6.

(of things) in poor or weakened condition: the invalid state of his rocking chair.

Yep. This is pretty much me right now. An invalid, unable to really care for myself, my household, or my 8 1/2 month old daughter. If you ask me, this is something that no 29 year-old wants to hear. "Nothing for the next month." So, I called back today, pleading with the doctor to let me at least teach my lessons. I mean, after all, I AM sitting the whole time. And, really, no swimming? I mean, no wading in the pool just to cool off, or just to be able to do Family Swim with my daughter and husband? And driving, I mean, really, I AM sitting down doing that as well. Her answer, maybe a little more firm this time "nothing for the next month."

So, here I am, officially day 1 of my month-long "sentencing" so to speak. Don't get me wrong, I know it's for the best and I have to think about the baby, but can you imagine yourself doing nothing for a month? Having to look at the mess in the kitchen, or the pile of laundry on the floor and not being able to do anything about it. And, looking down at your little girl and knowing that each time you go to pick her up, you are risking your life and the life of the child inside you. Pretty heavy consequences if you ask me. So that's why I am surrendering and letting everybody do everything for me. It sucks. I know some people would think it's paradise, but if I am going to sit and do nothing and have people wait on me, I'd rather it be on some five-star vacation in the tropics. Not in my living room.

So, this is a very "day-by-day" process, which is not my nature. I am a planner, I like to know what's happening next, and what we are going to do about it. This day-to-day crap is sucking the life out of me. Will I be better, worse, or the same tomorrow? Who knows. This whole day-to-day stuff applies to my brother as well. He's been in the ICU for four days now, and has had many ups and downs already. Monday, he was okay, but Tuesday, he was worse. Today, he is the same. Tomorrow? Who knows. When I think about what is going on with me, and what is going on with my brother, I think about what is going on inside my mother's head. One in the hospital is enough, but another on bed rest because of complications with her pregnancy, well that just may be the straw. Seriously, I couldn't do this month on my butt without her (and my husband, father, sister, aunts, cousins, friends, etc). Everyone who has offered to help in any way is a saint in my eyes. And I owe you all, like, really owe you. The problem is, how do you thank people for stuff like this. It seems like a 99 cent card from CVS just doesn't cut it. Maybe winning the lottery and giving everyone a cut would do it, but let's face it, I haven't had the best luck in the past few days. So, maybe you just keep telling them how much you appreciate them, that you couldn't do this without them, and that you love them. But, for some reason, that just doesn't seem like enough.

So, we are just surviving through every day right now. I guess we will see what tomorrow brings.